I have no idea how much I weigh!

When I was younger, I had a quick metabolism. I was a third grader who ate happy meals everyday with a coke. I lived on chips and dip. I watched a lot of tv. I was not an outdoor kid. But I was lucky in that I never had an issue with my weight. When I became a teenager, my luck continued. I was able to eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. I was also raised in a home that weight was never discussed. Whatever I looked like my parents were very positive and supportive. It was never a topic.

Weight After Kids

After I had my son James, I lost all the baby weight in 3 weeks. People would comment on how great I looked. I did not realize it was hard for other moms to get back to whatever we expect to be normal. I fit right into those pre-baby jeans and though I was stressed to the max with a newborn, I looked like I knew what I was doing. After my second son Christopher, it took a little bit longer to lose the weight. After three weeks post baby, I was not back to normal. It was several months before I was able to get into my normal clothes. I had James at 27 and with Christopher I was 29. My third child, Mae was born when I was 31. My chip eating stay skinny diet was not working anymore. I noticed that my pre baby pants were not close to zipping. Months and months after I had Mae, those pants were thrown out and I got a nice stretchy pair of leggings. When my daughter was a year old my normal weight was about 15 lbs heavier than it used to be. It sounds silly, but when you equate looking like your old self to having it together, it does affect your self worth. Year after year, my weight was relatively the same. My normal was up about 20 pounds from when I had my first child, and I was fine with it. I got used to this weight. I thought I better accept my body at this point or it becomes a slippery slope to feeling low.

Life Happens

When my daughter was about 4 years old, my dad got pretty sick. From the second he was diagnosed, I lost full connection to myself, and especially my body. I went to the doctor about a year after he had gotten sick and they said I gained 20 pounds in a year. I couldn’t believe it.

After babies, and stress and everything that ever affected my body, I’d never just gained so much weight in such a short time. At that point, I felt at a loss of control.

My next physical the following year, I told them not to tell me my weight.

I was dealing with the most stressful experience of my life; my dad fighting for his. I realized this was not the time to become hyper-sensitive to my own self, and focus on him. I started to decide how I felt about my body with how things fit and and I how I felt. If I look in the mirror and feel good, then that works for me. If I get rest, exercise and treat myself well, that works for me. After that doctor’s appointment, I started to ignore the scale. I have not weighed myself in about 4 years or so. That number that comes up on the scale started to hurt me. I’ll never be what I was before kids and I don’t want to be. I was skinny, and inexperienced. I like who I am now. I don’t expect my body to pop back to what it was, because it isn’t the same anymore. My body is different now. I had three children. I have been through experiences that shaped who I am, mentally and physically.

I want my daughter to see me look in the mirror and smile. I don’t want her to see me stand on the scale, and figure out if that number is the answer to my own happiness.